Thursday, April 20, 2023


There's a type of fear that is only experienced when facing almost certain death. Many have experienced this intensity of fear and survived. Perhaps you nearly drowned, or someone who survived a mass shooting, or experienced the phenomena of time slowing down just prior to impact of a car crash. This intensity of panic and fear is beyond my ability to accurately describe to someone who hasn't tasted it personally.

There's a survival mode in our brain called "fight or flight". When triggered, adrenaline floods our body and we get super strong. Our mind speeds up to assess all the information coming in through our senses. Our mind is extremely hyper focused on assessing threats and the best path to survive.

If you ever have this experience, it changes you. It's a snap shot of your life that usually occurs in just a few moments of time but is the most unforgettable and scary moment of your existence. So powerful that you become weak kneed afterwards and must sit down to recover. 

During those moments of the most intense fear you've ever known, your mind doesn't focus on the weather, the color of flowers nearby, or anything else unrelated to pure and simple assessment of threats and calculating the best choices. Some people have been known to freeze, like a deer in headlights. 

So let's say for example, a robber suddenly surprises you when you walk into a bank.  They have a gun pointed at your forehead. Then the next thing you remember is waking up in an ambulance because you were assaulted from behind and knocked unconscious.

Now imagine you are being questioned later about the incident. They ask you what poster was on the wall in the bank to your left when the robber was holding you at gunpoint. It's very unlikely you'll remember obscure things such as this when you're in a survival mode focused on what to do about the guy with the gun pointed at your head.

In 2017 I acquired Functional Neurological Disorder which my physician thinks was from a brain stem injury that occurred years earlier while serving in the US Navy. I now receive disability income from the VA for this. 

This aggravated and triggered my PTSD which I've had since my youth. At the same time I was experiencing a perfect storm series of traumatic life events. I was incapacitated and at times couldn't even stand up or hold my head up. This caused me to acquire a Somatization Disorder and my "fight or flight" system got triggered and I couldn't calm down again. I thought I was dying and so did my friends and family. I was in that state of fear of having a proverbial gun pointed at my head from PTSD for more than two years.

During this time, my complete focus was on survival. I remember very little of events during this period of my life. I don't know why my wife left me. I just know she was sick and I was doing my best to care for her. Then I got sick and she left. The only explanation she gave me was, "you weren't supposed to get sick."

My belief now is she never loved me and was with me for money. When she got ill she wanted to get a divorce so she could leave more money for her kids. Then when she died, I was banned from the funeral, which coincidently, I had paid for. Just a short time ago I watched the memory video on the funeral home website. It hit me in the gut, she was gay, in the closet and using me. Then during a court deposition I was shown evidence of her attempting to illegally conspire to take business assets from me. 

I don't know why my family is estranged from me. My daughter refuses to talk to me. The last thing I remember was she said, "I don't need your money anymore, I have my own."

The only thing that makes sense to me is she thought when my company got stolen that she was going to need to take care of me. She was already overwhelmed with her own life circumstances and the thought of needing to take on caring for me scared the crap out of her. So she made up an excuse to get mad at me and cut off communication. I suspect that now she's so ashamed, she doesn't have the courage or the character to get honest. It's easier to her to blame shift and demonize me. Deep in her conscience she knows she's living a lie. We all have our own lessons in life. I cry for the pain of her Karma because I know the pain of my own.

I'm not going to speak specific to my career, stolen assets, or friends lost.  Details of evil perpetrated against me by Harry Heyer to steal my life's work can be found by reading depositions in Indiana cause 86C01-2204-PL-000053. Personally I don't believe the program I started works now. It's certainly not providing quality, evidenced based services.

In spite of what I've been through, I've held my integrity to the best of my ability. No one can honestly deny this reality. Though many (who know better) doubt me anyway.

I will say this. I lived on about $1,500 per month for three years until I was awarded my VA disability. Despite this, I created an enviable lifestyle admired by many. I've also found true love with the most amazing and wonderful woman I've ever known. She is a living personification of peace and love. 

I've suffered tremendously and unnecessarily due to unfathomable cruelty and lack of compassion from people who claimed to love and care about me. 

I've been able to rebuild myself with the scraps of my life that were left. I have persevered and survived. Those who did their best to exploit my illness severely underestimated me. Plus they underestimated the power of my good Karma. God has been in charge the whole time.

Karma is real. There's nothing another person can say or do to make me say or do something against my conscience. 

My ultimate outcomes of my decisions are the consequences of my choices to act with integrity to the evil things perpetrated by people living in fear. If you want to be happy, always do the next right thing. Integrity matters.