Sunday, January 19, 2020

Everything.....literally everything, changes.

I'm fighting to save resources. It appears I may have entered into the "fixed income" stage of life. Since Judas has converted my interests in my business to himself, I no longer have a weekly or monthly income except my social security and VA disability. So I've been working to pull together my thinking to assess the current situation and take positive steps forward. The difficulty is because I still have little stress tolerance. I'm not shooting myself in the foot and being abusive but I do freeze. It's like I go into a state of shock and just can't do much of anything. So it takes more time than I'd like to respond to situations, misunderstandings and such.

After the shock of being totally deceived by Judas I then got a flu bug. So my PTSD flared into panic mode big time. I finally had to ask my daughter to come and sit with me and touch me to help me calm down enough to medicate and get a good nights sleep.

Since then I've been able to slowly begin moving forward again. I need to get a budget and determine where to begin cutting expenses. I also pulled out all the stuff I'm wanting to sell or dispose of. I'm really moving to a much, much more minimal...though very comfortable.. way of life.

I traded my truck for a small SUV. It's a 2018 Ford Escape SE. It's not fancy but it has just about everything I want. The only thing missing is a remote start. But it is an Eco version which gets amazing mileage and it has all the safety features I wanted like radar cruise, lane departure warning, blind spot warnings, back up camera, and it has heated seats. It drives like a go cart after driving the Ram truck for a couple years. I have to adjust to the quick response of the steering.

I tried again to see if I could work out a financial settlement to get the divorce finalized. No go. She's out of the ball park. Crazy talk. I don't know what to do here. So sad because she is scared and is getting bad advice which is going to cost her big time in the end. The impact upon me of the path she's going is going to be minimally damaging to me at the most. The worst impact on me is that I want my status label changed to "divorced" instead of "separated" so I can move on. I'm afraid she's going to force a direction in which she ends up needing to move out of the condo. Oh well, God's will be done. I really don't care what she does right now. I wish someone who understood would explain the honest truth to her of her situation. Then she'd be open minded to options I can offer so we could get the divorce done in a way where she won't need to relocate.

Finally, one more thought I've been pondering this week, I read a quote, "Loneliness is the discrepancy between what you want from your relationships and what you actually have."

I believe I have never felt the feeling of a woman in which we were truly in love with each other. I have never felt a woman in love with me with whom I was in love.

Another quote, "Lonely people can't get what they want from the mere presence of other people; what they crave is core values and shared life experiences. We all need a witness to our lives and people to look after."

Here I am at 65 years old picking up the pieces and beginning to reconstruct my life with whatever I'm able to salvage together. I'm lonely because I long to feel someone fall in love with me. I don't know what that feels like. Due to how hard I've tried in my life to love and care for women, to no avail, I've concluded this is not something I have much power to create. This one's going to need to be left up to God. I need to accept life on life's terms. Attitude of Gratitude.

Tuesday, January 14, 2020


I have a special relationship with loneliness. We've been together as long as I can remember. There may be a core aspect of this that's fear. I know my whole life has been fear driven. Especially a fear to say no because the direct and natural consequence is the overwhelming monster "loneliness".

Right now I'm trying to determine why it's a monster. I have discovered I have an inordinate and extreme need to be touched. It's very core habit level. I have also discovered that simply requesting my daughter to come and sit with me and touch my shoulder for an hour or so calms me sufficiently to feel back in control of myself.

On another note, the guy that took over my practice, hereafter to be referred to as "Judas", has decided to no longer make his payments to me. He is currently paying zero. Hey wtf it was only 35 years of my life's work which he's converted to himself through dishonest deception because I trusted him. I thought he really got the integrity message but I now know he doesn't. He's totally self centered and greed driven. But he's a wolf in sheeps clothing.

So I'm assessing my options again. I've decided to trade my truck for something less expensive.

Did you know that over half the population of the world don't have enough food to eat? I assure you, anything I've got to worry about is first world problems.