Monday, December 10, 2018

New Reality

I'm learning to adjust to a new reality understanding my point of view or interpretation of life is not steady and consistent. Due to my mental illness much of my time is spent trying to cope with and process realities that only exist in my mind. Every moment of every day (except brief passing glimpses of peace and serenity) is spent trying to keep my thinking focused away from fearful interpretations of literally everything in my world. Some words brought to my conscious attention this week that seem to help are the words "assumptions, ruminating thoughts, unpacking (thoughts, ideas, feelings, etc.).

Another problem is often I am unable to distinguish when my perspective and the lens through which I'm viewing people and events are paranoid and not accurate representation of facts. Thus I'm often left bewildered, hurt, disappointed, shocked and all sorts of awful feelings because I'm interpreting life from a reality that doesn't even exist. I'm living those times in an alternate universe with racing and ruminating thoughts of, "What are they thinking?, How can they say or do that?" and similar.

The problem I just mentioned has left me in a bind of sorts as far as writing about topics on my mind. I live in fear of the consequences of the things I say or do to protect myself during these periods of extreme anxiety, fear, and paranoia. Because I don't always know, though I'm learning, when my thinking is paranoid. When paranoid I tend to respond by aggressively verbally fighting with someone who are not even fighting with me. Then when I awaken from this state of reality a flood of dread, regret, and remorse consume me and deflate my spirit to a place of pure hopelessness.

Watch my me to edit and continue this story another time. I'm not done thinking about it.