Thursday, December 5, 2019

The Future

Ahhh, the future. Untold possibilities for happiness and joy, or I pray not, more pain, struggling and suffering.  When I first decided my illness wasn't going to take me without a fight I was unprepared for the challenges ahead. Especially Kim leaving me. Knock me over with a feather... I was really stunned. Of course, that's mostly in the past. We still don't have a property settlement to get the damn divorce finalized. I'm going to fight all out legally if this isn't resolved by the end of the year. I'm ready to throw that anchor overboard.....way....way more than ready. For God's sake I've already had two failed relationships since she left. lol Confirmation she was right to leave right? lol

I am starting to understand a little about the road in front of me. Women at this age are much, much different than younger women. They have scars emotional, spiritual, and physical. As a teen if a girl felt chemistry with me it was a whole different beast than today. It was like there were no fears or boundaries then. All they knew was a nice cute boy liked them and they seemed so excited to be with me whenever I wanted to.  They would bend over backwards and cancel anything to be with me. Now days it's like, "no my butt itches and I don't feel like taking a shower and if I scratch my hand will stink and then I'll have to get up and wash my hands which sounds so demanding right now ya know?"  I'm like, "Oh I get it that makes perfect sense to me. Okay, we'll catch up later, maybe tomorrow"  (my thoughts, I'll see you maybe when I go through my whole fucken roster of other options and the only option left is to die or see you).

I'm not going to list the lying bullshit excuses I've heard. I know bullshit when I hear it but I most typically just play dumb. Why go through the drama of some silly game right? I did actually come down hard on a woman who I really, really liked because I didn't feel she was being considerate of my feelings. It blew up.... just like most fucked up relationships do. So I thought, well God's trying to tell me this is the wrong woman. So I experienced a couple difficult days. Then she texted me that she made a mistake. I'm not going into details except to say her absolutely perfect attempt to make amends blew my mind. Her grasp of the complexity of the situation and her genuine personal response touched my heart. So much so that I'm going to try to create a permanent life partner relationship with her.

One other point that really blew my mind, she said I was kind throughout the entire disagreement. 😳 Wow, I'm getting better for sure. Though I'm grateful to God for my challenges and opportunities to learn and grow, for now God please allow me to heal a bit more first. Perhaps the reason I'm currently so isolated and alone is God knows I'm not yet well enough to spend too much time around others without being an asshole.

I have no desire or intention to return to counseling. I'm beginning to get strong enough to see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm almost strong enough for the next chapter. I'll be making a comeback before you know it. Stay tuned.