Wednesday, March 3, 2021

Freedom is just around the corner

If we want to use a map effectively we find where we want to be, then we must find where we are presently located on the map before we can determine the best path to reach our goal. Life is the same way. And along the way we sometimes discover we've made a wrong turn or even decide we want to go somewhere else entirely different than our first destination. 

The past five years I've existed in somewhat of a trauma triggered dream state...mostly a horrible nightmare. It's like my whole life just blew up and I'm mostly powerless and have little control so I just observe and pick up pieces that are left once they fall back within my reach.

I don't want to rehash the same stuff so here's a brief list of some of what   I witnessed. All of my "best friends/buddies" from my whole life passed.  I lost my wife, my family, my business, and the majority of my income stream. I found myself isolated and alone, barely able to stand and walk, and going through the worst divorce imaginable. Then I met another woman who I fell hard for only to have my heart shattered again.  

Throughout the nightmare I kept plugging away seeking all the services I could find available to me especially through the VA. I knew I was in trouble and fighting for my life. Frankly, the VA has kept me alive....yes it got that bad. The services at the VA got me back on my feet and I started rebuilding. I bought a condo and had it completely remodeled into a cozy little zen retreat. I was walking every day, attending classes several days a week at the Veterans Wellness Program, hanging out at coffee shops and trying to make new friends. Then the virus hit. Everything I was doing to recover and build a support structure evaporated. I did however meet a woman who was also in the middle of her own "trauma storm" as I'll call it. We partnered up as friends to help each other through quarantine. We have become very close friends but not physically intimate as I am not in the right place yet to go there. I'm still too hurt to fall in love. As it turns out (which I'll discuss more later) I feel compelled to leave the State of Indiana to avoid potentially getting arrested for my medication choice. But my dear friend and pandemic companion has been found to be in need of a heart transplant. Another gut punch.  It breaks my heart I can't stay to help her. It breaks her heart too I'm sure.

Honestly, in reflection, I've spent the vast majority of my life alone 24/7. I have yet to understand the patterns within me resulting in my isolation and seclusion. I hate it and have yearned my whole life for companionship. I always taught (and believe) our primary purpose in life is to learn to love, and be loved. I used to think my chronic seclusion meant I'd never achieve this purpose.  My therapist at the Vet Center has broadened my view and shown me that's simply not true. My thinking is skewed from violent abuse I experienced as a kid. Enough of that for now.

Back to the present. Two more days until I get my second shot. As I always say, I crave a calm, low stress, peaceful life. Everyday I learn new ways not to do it. :)  

Even though I have a beautiful condo remodeled into a little zen palace. Other than my dog Jill, I've been essentially secluded here...seems like forever. Jill is a sweet old lady I rescued. She doesn't bark but she can be a little stinky. I do hope and intend to relocate to a state with legal medical marijuana. 

I also love Yoga.  Jill doesn't need Yoga, she can already lick her own butt.  Seriously, I've seen it! So I don't let that bitch lick my nose. :)

Trapped and bored silly during the quarantine I stumbled upon full time travel and van life videos on YouTube. Then began planning my escape. I bought a passenger van, removed the seats, and made myself a modern day hippie camper van. I'm now totally unencumbered and free, ready to wander and explore. I have no agenda except to see interesting places and maybe meet some interesting people. At least if I'm alone it will be with a view of the ocean or a forest, not my TV. Peace.

2019 Chevy Express 2500
"Vanilla Express"

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