This has been a very challenging week for me. I have had every possible panic button pushed this week. Fortunately I have maintained my integrity and haven't created any messes to clean up or hurt anyone's feelings...as far as I know. But my anxiety has been through the roof. Thursday I had my weekly massage and she barely touched me and suddenly I couldn't stop myself from crying. Simply being touched by another human being felt so soothing and powerful. Just being in the presence of another person is so rare for me now, let alone being touched. And rarely anyone to talk to ever, about anything. I am able to be around people by going to a mall or coffee shop.
I am not looking forward to the next couple weeks. Since I'm not yet functional enough to work I've filled as much time as possible with recovery activities available to veterans. During the holidays VA staff, like most people, have holiday activities with friends and family. So the holidays are voids of time for me to find a way to fill.
My circumstances are crazy. All of all my closest buddies are gone, I have very little family, no wife, no girlfriend, my career is over. My carer end was a shock, I never planned to retire. I loved what I was doing. My career consumed most of my energy in the past and WAS my hobby as well. Due to divorces my family has holiday obligations with other family, not just me.
The places I typically go just to get out of the house have shorter hours on holidays too. So like it or not, I'll be isolated in solitary confinement for most of the next two weeks.....24/7. It sucks.
It's beyond my current comprehension to understand why isolation and loneliness have been such a prominent presence my whole life. My cross to bear if you will. I have lots of virtual friends and acquaintances, you know Facebook. Rarely, if ever do I see, or even meet any virtual friends. I keep Facebook because I hope it helps me meet or see people in real life. It's really not doing that very much. Everyone is busy. No one has time except me. All I have is time. A large empty void to fill as I simply wait. I keep putting one foot in front of the other, working on getting healthier and stronger, and wait. I stare at myself in the mirror and see nothing but isolation, sadness, and loneliness.
My dilemma reminds me of being a young business man. It was so interesting to me how banking worked back then. A business couldn't actually borrow money until the business was successful enough that it didn't need to borrow money. Or starting out in a career and unable to get a job without having experience which was unattainable without a job.
People say I sound desperate. Lol. No shit? Like I don't know that? Then it's something to the effect of you're not healthy enough for me because you should heal first. Okay, well, rebuilding my life, reconnecting with people, trying to make new friends IS me trying to heal. I'm trying to connect with you because I want to heal and have friends, and a girlfriend. I'm trying to escape my isolation and loneliness. I'm trying new things all the time.
I have literally existed my whole life isolated and alone. Most of it in loveless marriages with emotionally unavailable women. I recently learned from where this pattern began in my childhood. Even now I interact with women I know are unavailable and I rarely, if ever, see them. I hope someday perhaps they'll get over whatever it is and decide to become available to me.
I have met numerous women online and tried to grow a relationship with a couple of them. But I have honestly not met a single woman (with matching chemistry) who is actually "available" emotionally. Every woman I've met has been so hurt and so damaged by life they've given up on love and are bitter, hurtful, and selfish. I honestly don't understand why they're trying dating. My feelings have been hurt by several of these women now so I am beginning to notice some warning signals much quicker. One immediate warning sign is lack of willingness to be flexible scheduling when and how we meet. Another warning sign is when they start looking for excuses NOT to meet. The world, for sure, is a very shitty place if we focus our energy on fear. We create that which we fear. I try to create positive energy with hope and anticipation of meeting an awesome person I'm being drawn to.
I'm diligently focused on living peacefully in the moment. I'm creating a life filled with calm, peace, love, laughter, and play. I'm doing this with diet, Yoga, exploring different meditation practices. I'm using everything I've learned in my life to make this last stage something joyful.
You'd think it would be easy at my age to find a woman. I can assure you that could not be further from the truth. I'm not sure if I've ever in my life met a loving, caring, compassionate and unselfish woman. I'm looking for one now. Yes, of course I'm desperate. I'm desperate for human interaction. I'm a human being. That's the appropriate feeling for someone in my situation. I'm honestly in a desperate situation so I'm feeling desperate.
If that's a deal breaker then what I hear is you don't want to feel needed. You don't want to be expected to give....only to take, right? In my view, a person of compassion would view my situation as an opportunity. An opportunity to show someone affection, caring, and kindness in a desperate time of need. An opportunity to help a guy get back up who got knocked down.
My whole life has been in service to others. I always found the best solution to depression is to get outside myself and focus on serving others. It's been quite disheartening to me to feel so forgotten by those I thought of as friends during my career. Other than my daughter and her family, my presence seems to be of little or no value to anyone.... unless of course they want money.
This entry is depressing. It's because I'm depressed because my reality sucks and is very depressing. I remember hearing a saying that the best predictor of the future is the past. I've learned in the past months through my PTSD counseling that I've actually been isolated and alone for over 50 years. I keep praying for God to send me a partner. It appears I may need to reconcile myself to simply accept life on life's terms. I'm alone and that's unlikely to change in the foreseeable future.
I think I might quit trying to find a girlfriend. It's a waste of time, money, and just seems to build false hope. I guess I'm going to join that pool of fish with a perpetual online personal ad hoping to be caught. I'm done chasing. It's simply futile and fruitless.
(Update: The next day. I finally broke down and took .5mg Ativan and slept about 11 hours. Today I'm not so negative. I'm looking forward to a nice day....but a little bummed to be spending Saturday alone. Jill and I will go for a walk and fire up the patio heater. I'm beginning to be able to focus enough to read again....yay. Attitude of Gratitude!)
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