Sunday, November 17, 2019

What it's all about

Recently I've had the opportunity to meet, or at least dialogue with widows who were married and loyal to their husbands throughout terrible struggles like cancer. It triggered for me to ponder and realize that I've never felt that kind of love from anyone in my whole life except my daughter. Never from a life partner. It's a willingness to self sacrifice if needed to really be there for someone and have their back. It's like an affirmation, life can be tough sometimes, but no matter what you're not alone.

I know what it feels like to try to provide that, "having your back". Whether I was ever worth a crap at doing so is entirely debatable for sure.

Now I wonder if it's possible for a woman to open her heart that much again after such vicarious suffering. When I feel chemistry with a woman I almost instantaneously also sense their panic and fear. If not in the moment, then within a short time for sure. So they run. They don't feel safe. So they run from the opportunity to love because they buy into (and empower) fear. I feel sad for lost potential, momentarily. I say momentarily because I know the universe is simply preventing me from once again attaching myself with another woman who's incapable of selfless love.

As I'm just ready to turn 65 I feel this may be my last chance to try to have that kind of loving partnership. So I really want to try to apply all the lessons I've learned in my life about how to not do it, right?

I had an interesting conversation with my therapist at the VA on Friday. She told me of three stages of PTSD recovery. First is establishing safety, second is processing what happened, and third is reconnecting and reconstructing life. She pointed out stage three is where I am presently.

It made perfect sense given everything I've been doing; yoga classes, art classes, rescuing a dog, diligently looking for a new girlfriend. The biggest for me is to find a new girlfriend. I really like having someone to do things together. I really hate always being alone and isolated. I remember the saying from one of the twelve step programs, "an addict alone is in bad company".

Simply having a girlfriend helps me stay out of crappy and depressing thinking. I'm always trying to think up ways to play and have fun. Life is a thousand times more fun with a playmate, to me.

Alas there are so many obstacles and hurdles to finding a girlfriend. Not the least of which, is they have to want me. Lol. I'm not a normal person in Indianapolis culture. I'm much to extreme in my appearance, I have been told, and I'm extremely open and honest. I figure if I put myself out there you can accept or reject the "real" me at least. I'm just trying my best to integrate my words and behavior to always line up with my values. And when I fail, do what I can to make amends. Bottom line, I'm not everyone's cup of tea by a long shot. I'm not sure if I should change anything about me or not. I consistently evaluate my choices. It's challenging to keep my self confidence high. Every rejection I seem to need to evaluate if I was inappropriate or did it have nothing to do with me?

Learn and move on. One step in front of another. Last man standing wins, right? Peace.

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