This week I have learned more about my condition. One thing I learned is that my brain needs to learn to allow my body to move. Apparently I have habit level chronic pain because with my mind in fight or flight mode, my brain is trying to protect me...essentially a semi-paralyzed reaction which I must over ride in order to complete a movement. So for example, trying to do a focused movement with my left arm...at first my brain won't let my arm move, it's like it's stuck in place. Very weird. So just like I had to re learn to walk, I have to relearn everything.
Essentially I need to reset my sympathetic nervous system. So my brain needs to learn I'm safe, it's safe for every part of my body to move, etc.
Ultimately I have learned, the CURE to my CONDITION is CALM. I must create an extremely calm lifestyle in order to reach my potential now.
I think I'm also going to look into training to provide Biofeedback services to help people. I'm going to move more in the direction of Yoga and getting involved in that community. I also have in the back of my mind to put together a small comedy routine to try out on amateur comedy mic nights.
Terry Moore, PTSD Veteran, Medical Marijuana Patient
Wednesday, November 27, 2019
Sunday, November 17, 2019
What it's all about
Recently I've had the opportunity to meet, or at least dialogue with widows who were married and loyal to their husbands throughout terrible struggles like cancer. It triggered for me to ponder and realize that I've never felt that kind of love from anyone in my whole life except my daughter. Never from a life partner. It's a willingness to self sacrifice if needed to really be there for someone and have their back. It's like an affirmation, life can be tough sometimes, but no matter what you're not alone.
I know what it feels like to try to provide that, "having your back". Whether I was ever worth a crap at doing so is entirely debatable for sure.
Now I wonder if it's possible for a woman to open her heart that much again after such vicarious suffering. When I feel chemistry with a woman I almost instantaneously also sense their panic and fear. If not in the moment, then within a short time for sure. So they run. They don't feel safe. So they run from the opportunity to love because they buy into (and empower) fear. I feel sad for lost potential, momentarily. I say momentarily because I know the universe is simply preventing me from once again attaching myself with another woman who's incapable of selfless love.
As I'm just ready to turn 65 I feel this may be my last chance to try to have that kind of loving partnership. So I really want to try to apply all the lessons I've learned in my life about how to not do it, right?
I had an interesting conversation with my therapist at the VA on Friday. She told me of three stages of PTSD recovery. First is establishing safety, second is processing what happened, and third is reconnecting and reconstructing life. She pointed out stage three is where I am presently.
It made perfect sense given everything I've been doing; yoga classes, art classes, rescuing a dog, diligently looking for a new girlfriend. The biggest for me is to find a new girlfriend. I really like having someone to do things together. I really hate always being alone and isolated. I remember the saying from one of the twelve step programs, "an addict alone is in bad company".
Simply having a girlfriend helps me stay out of crappy and depressing thinking. I'm always trying to think up ways to play and have fun. Life is a thousand times more fun with a playmate, to me.
Alas there are so many obstacles and hurdles to finding a girlfriend. Not the least of which, is they have to want me. Lol. I'm not a normal person in Indianapolis culture. I'm much to extreme in my appearance, I have been told, and I'm extremely open and honest. I figure if I put myself out there you can accept or reject the "real" me at least. I'm just trying my best to integrate my words and behavior to always line up with my values. And when I fail, do what I can to make amends. Bottom line, I'm not everyone's cup of tea by a long shot. I'm not sure if I should change anything about me or not. I consistently evaluate my choices. It's challenging to keep my self confidence high. Every rejection I seem to need to evaluate if I was inappropriate or did it have nothing to do with me?
Learn and move on. One step in front of another. Last man standing wins, right? Peace.
I know what it feels like to try to provide that, "having your back". Whether I was ever worth a crap at doing so is entirely debatable for sure.
Now I wonder if it's possible for a woman to open her heart that much again after such vicarious suffering. When I feel chemistry with a woman I almost instantaneously also sense their panic and fear. If not in the moment, then within a short time for sure. So they run. They don't feel safe. So they run from the opportunity to love because they buy into (and empower) fear. I feel sad for lost potential, momentarily. I say momentarily because I know the universe is simply preventing me from once again attaching myself with another woman who's incapable of selfless love.
As I'm just ready to turn 65 I feel this may be my last chance to try to have that kind of loving partnership. So I really want to try to apply all the lessons I've learned in my life about how to not do it, right?
I had an interesting conversation with my therapist at the VA on Friday. She told me of three stages of PTSD recovery. First is establishing safety, second is processing what happened, and third is reconnecting and reconstructing life. She pointed out stage three is where I am presently.
It made perfect sense given everything I've been doing; yoga classes, art classes, rescuing a dog, diligently looking for a new girlfriend. The biggest for me is to find a new girlfriend. I really like having someone to do things together. I really hate always being alone and isolated. I remember the saying from one of the twelve step programs, "an addict alone is in bad company".
Simply having a girlfriend helps me stay out of crappy and depressing thinking. I'm always trying to think up ways to play and have fun. Life is a thousand times more fun with a playmate, to me.
Alas there are so many obstacles and hurdles to finding a girlfriend. Not the least of which, is they have to want me. Lol. I'm not a normal person in Indianapolis culture. I'm much to extreme in my appearance, I have been told, and I'm extremely open and honest. I figure if I put myself out there you can accept or reject the "real" me at least. I'm just trying my best to integrate my words and behavior to always line up with my values. And when I fail, do what I can to make amends. Bottom line, I'm not everyone's cup of tea by a long shot. I'm not sure if I should change anything about me or not. I consistently evaluate my choices. It's challenging to keep my self confidence high. Every rejection I seem to need to evaluate if I was inappropriate or did it have nothing to do with me?
Learn and move on. One step in front of another. Last man standing wins, right? Peace.
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