Thursday, December 5, 2019

The Future

Ahhh, the future. Untold possibilities for happiness and joy, or I pray not, more pain, struggling and suffering.  When I first decided my illness wasn't going to take me without a fight I was unprepared for the challenges ahead. Especially Kim leaving me. Knock me over with a feather... I was really stunned. Of course, that's mostly in the past. We still don't have a property settlement to get the damn divorce finalized. I'm going to fight all out legally if this isn't resolved by the end of the year. I'm ready to throw that anchor overboard.....way....way more than ready. For God's sake I've already had two failed relationships since she left. lol Confirmation she was right to leave right? lol

I am starting to understand a little about the road in front of me. Women at this age are much, much different than younger women. They have scars emotional, spiritual, and physical. As a teen if a girl felt chemistry with me it was a whole different beast than today. It was like there were no fears or boundaries then. All they knew was a nice cute boy liked them and they seemed so excited to be with me whenever I wanted to.  They would bend over backwards and cancel anything to be with me. Now days it's like, "no my butt itches and I don't feel like taking a shower and if I scratch my hand will stink and then I'll have to get up and wash my hands which sounds so demanding right now ya know?"  I'm like, "Oh I get it that makes perfect sense to me. Okay, we'll catch up later, maybe tomorrow"  (my thoughts, I'll see you maybe when I go through my whole fucken roster of other options and the only option left is to die or see you).

I'm not going to list the lying bullshit excuses I've heard. I know bullshit when I hear it but I most typically just play dumb. Why go through the drama of some silly game right? I did actually come down hard on a woman who I really, really liked because I didn't feel she was being considerate of my feelings. It blew up.... just like most fucked up relationships do. So I thought, well God's trying to tell me this is the wrong woman. So I experienced a couple difficult days. Then she texted me that she made a mistake. I'm not going into details except to say her absolutely perfect attempt to make amends blew my mind. Her grasp of the complexity of the situation and her genuine personal response touched my heart. So much so that I'm going to try to create a permanent life partner relationship with her.

One other point that really blew my mind, she said I was kind throughout the entire disagreement. 😳 Wow, I'm getting better for sure. Though I'm grateful to God for my challenges and opportunities to learn and grow, for now God please allow me to heal a bit more first. Perhaps the reason I'm currently so isolated and alone is God knows I'm not yet well enough to spend too much time around others without being an asshole.

I have no desire or intention to return to counseling. I'm beginning to get strong enough to see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm almost strong enough for the next chapter. I'll be making a comeback before you know it. Stay tuned.

Monday, December 2, 2019

The "Oh Shit" Moment

Dating at any age is difficult for sure. Online dating is a whole new beast.  I'm finding interesting complications and unexpected twists. Of course I'm still not recovered 100% and at times, when I'm upset, I'm not sure my thinking is clear so I just freeze. Look at this post as a confused old man processing and trying to figure out my own shit. Probably what I have to say here is 50/50 valid and the rest my own bull shit I haven't figured out yet.  I'm not trying to bullshit. That's for sure. But you know sometimes when we're bullshitting ourselves we don't know it because...well...we're bullshitting ourselves. I guess I'm writing this perhaps to help myself make sense of some of this nonsense.

Everyone enters into the universe of online dating with their own personal view of the world. Each with their own long and painful history of hurt, and the resulting fears of being hurt again. At my age there's a very, very long history of hurts and resulting fears. A boat load.  I call them "my buttons" and "her buttons". When one of these buttons gets hit..we have the BAM PUNCH IN THE GUT "oh shit" moment. It's the first warning sign....lights flashing.....tension....FEAR!!!

I have a couple of major deal breaker buttons. I know I have them. I know why I have them. I know where they came from. And I know they're deal breakers. So much so that I (most likely) will no longer put significant effort to negotiate sustaining the relationship. I simply lose respect for the woman if she pushes one of these buttons.  I've learned these buttons being pushed are most likely early warning signals from God...."wrong woman dumbass".

On the other hand, perhaps that perception is PTSD thinking.... too guarded.... too cautious. Who the fuck knows? I sure as hell don't know for certain...ever.

I do know this, if I'm trying to have a relationship with a woman then I'm "all in" UNTIL one of my deal breaker circuit breakers gets flipped. When one of these buttons gets hit and trips my circuit breaker I'm INSTANTLY on high alert "fight or flight"... This is where I am today from getting my feelings hurt two days ago. Don't worry about me though because by the time you read this I've probably gotten myself balanced, positive, and living in the moment again. I'm not afraid of what I'm going through at this moment (though painful) nor am I afraid of never finding "the one".  Simply writing this blog entry is helping me process and feel better. For example, I've already once again realized the woman I got infatuated with was not "the perfect woman for me" who I thought she was. She was POTENTIALLY the perfect woman for me. Then suddenly within an afternoon she pushed EVERY BUTTON, not just one. Seriously? Yeah, well I'm certain she held no malicious intent... at least I don't think so. Just different values I suppose. Nevertheless, let me get past this, wah, wah, grieving for a woman that only existed in my imagination so far...... "the perfect woman for me". Because there's frankly no damn sense in wasting much energy grieving the loss of the woman I haven't even met yet...duh.  On to the buttons.

Button One: This is the fastest way to end a relationship with me.  I must feel I am important, that being with me is the most important thing in the world. I must see effort to bend over backwards to be with me. I'm not stupid. I know you have kids and grandkids and other obligations and duties. But if I FEEL like I'm not high enough on the priority list....I feel hurt. This category can get very complex, or not, depending on your point of view. Let me provide a couple examples.  I believe the first meeting should be at somewhere like Starbucks.  A couple of times women insisted on scheduling an initial meeting for over a week ahead of time.  Then an hour before the meeting I receive a text that she was invited to come and play with her grand kids, or whatever lame ass excuse or reason. Personally, I can't seem to not build up hope and anticipation of meeting a potential partner. It's special and significant to me and disrespects my feelings to cancel at the last minute when there's no emergency. So I now only schedule coffee meetings for "today or tomorrow".  I'm no longer willing to block out time on my calendar two weeks in advance until after I meet the woman.

Another variation of this is not being willing to accommodate my express needs for companionship but expecting me to not seek companionship elsewhere.  If you want me to date and spend time with ONLY YOU and no other woman then you be willing to accommodate my minimum needs. If I am in a committed relationship then I expect to spend Friday evening, Saturday evening, and Sunday afternoon and evening with my partner, not isolated and alone.  This to me this is traditional "couple time".  I once again, understand things come up. In that case there should be negotiation and compromise. In the end, if you want to be a priority to me then you must reciprocate.  My perfect woman won't compromise couple time except under extremely extenuating circumstances.

So from now on, without commitment to accommodate my basic companionship I define them... I will not promise to date only one woman. Why should I agree to feel like crap? A compromise is you get what you need and I get what I need, not you get what you want and my needs don't matter.

Button Two: I must feel secure.  Break up with me the commitment is over. I won't promise not to date others until you regain my trust so I can feel secure you won't abandon me the next time you get upset.  Why prolong the misery? If you're willing to exploit my abandonment issues as a power strategy in a conflict, then you're operating with a belief that it's okay to hurt me. Is it?

Button Three:  I must feel respected and especially never specifically excluded. I must feel you respect yourself as well. I won't submit to emotional blackmail and I can't respect a woman who does. My friends and family would NEVER exclude my partner. If you have friends or family that wish to exclude me, to me, it's disrespectful and cruel. If you give in to something like that and exclude me, refer to button one above. I expect you to do what I would do and tell them you're a package deal.

Button Four: Basic courtesy. Give some thought to your words. For example, you can say, "do you always wear that hat?" which I find to be a degrading put down. You could say, "I like you better without the hat, would you mind not wearing it?" Now I have a chance to please you and I feel good instead of feeling degraded. Which way do you feel better?

Just recently I was out with a woman and she said, "Do you ever trim your mustache?"
My gut response is fuck you rude critical bitch. What kind of way to talk to me is that? Wouldn't it be better to simply say, "Would you be willing to trim your mustache please?"

Tough couple days. Rant completed.