Thursday, June 13, 2019

June 2019

I remember a couple years back sitting alone in my living room with my wife basically unconscious in the bedroom just reflecting about where I am and how I got there. And I was questioning my life choices that brought me to that moment. I wasn't sure if my wife was going to survive but I was sure of one thing, I wasn't happy. I decided to blow up my life essentially. Time to get back to basics I guess. I had no idea what was in store or how I was in for the fight of my life to survive.

Well my wife survived but our marriage didn't. I couldn't endure the isolation and loneliness while she had to "take care of myself" (translation, "Fuck You, your feelings aren't my priority"). Yeah I'm still bitter for sure as I invested myself so completely into my marriage and she turned out in the end to be an absolute disappointment. 

I've set about rediscovering myself and doing the work to create this final stage of life based upon the lessons I've learned in how to be happy. So I thought I'd share a little about my life now and where I hope to go from here.

My first agenda has been to get myself physically strong again. Progress is good here. I'm at a healthy weight and still losing. All my labs look great now. One physician told me everything looks much improved from a year ago and it's likely that most of my physical ailments will be alleviated soon, as my body is now taking care of itself since I'm close to a normal body weight. Walking at the mall and other activities with my girlfriend are building my strength more. Very soon I'm going to add sessions on my recumbent machine. Early in my illness I bought a massage chair to help and I've been getting massage therapy weekly. My sleeping has just recently gotten close to normal and I can now usually sleep whatever hours I want.

Recovering mentally has been coming along nicely as well. My psychiatrist at the VA and my therapist at the Veterans Center have helped significantly. I've also been seeing a private counselor. The routines and rituals I put into practice to help sleep have contributed greatly. My somatic symptoms have begun to diminish significantly. Especially as I can now walk and without assistance such as a cane. I still have lots of shaking and twitching, sometimes quite powerful. I've been spending lots of time with a new girlfriend and it's remarkable how much this builds my spirit.



Saturday, March 2, 2019

March 2019

My condition has improved a lot. I now walk without a cane. I'm doing lots of mall walking to build my core strength.  I can choose to sleep or not sleep just about any hours I choose. I finally found a new home. It is a condo on the far south side of Indy. I'm very excited to get settled in as soon as it is refurbished a little. At a minimum I'm going to have it painted and install new flooring. Probably just do the whole thing at once and get it done.

My days are currently very boring. I don't have so many physician appointments anymore as my medical condition has improved so much. All my labs are pretty normal now. Losing nearly 100 pounds has improved my health significantly. For my Conversion Disorder I'm actively receiving services at the Veterans Center. I attend a weekly class and see a therapist every other week. I also get a therapeutic massage weekly. Though it may be shocking to some, I can tell you that I think medical cannabis has been a life saver to me.  I swear I'd go really bonkers without it to help calm anxiety and stop ruminating bad thoughts.  I do really, really struggle a lot with feeling lonely and isolated. But this seems to be common among the vets in my class. It really sucks though. So I go to coffee shops a lot, just to get out of the house and not be alone. I really hope I'll be able to be calmer home alone after I get moved.  I'm so grateful for my daughter Carrie. She's really been there for me in a way no one else ever has.

Last summer I bought a pick up truck because I was planning to get a travel trailer. Well I haven't bought a travel trailer but I am starting to be acclimated to driving the truck. After years of driving a Honda it was quite a change. So I've ran into things a couple times parking my truck. I think I'm done running into things so I got the damages repaired. I'm really enjoying driving the truck so I'm going to keep it for awhile even if I never get a trailer.  I'd like to do some traveling. But I'm really not into traveling alone, at least I'm not feeling that right now. I sure would like to find a new girlfriend.